Lacking direction

Confused by direction and love, my head spins uncontrollably. A mix of emotions and an inability to know what is real, what is rational. February blues hit early this year (or maybe late) and are as capricious as my knowing where I'll be 2 weeks from now, let alone tomorrow. What am I searching for or running from? I have never in my life felt such a lack of direction and such a craving to be elsewhere.

I cannot trust my heart to a soul for it may be shattered.

Yet, I am so very privileged to have this choice, this time. And as the loneliness seeps in it is multiplied by what ifs and why nots. Beautiful lonely people in a world where privilege becomes an annoyance as we are pushed and forced and pressured to do something and do it now. I am governed by love and yet know not how to share it. Craving a lifestyle in which choice is vacant and love abounds. Let me be barefoot in the kitchen and take your baggage on as my own. I speak to no one or someone or anyone and pray that one day I will be balanced enough to love someone effortlessly.

Angered at society, at everything. In a state of disbelief, this can't really be our world, my world, it just can't be. Let us live in now, in forever. So in this moment, the here and now, I surrender. Tomorrow, well who the fuck knows? Massage therapy, Northampton, hospital unit clerk, Mexico, substitute teacher, a knife to my wrist. Maybe I'll just put them all in a hat and draw one.

But the most fucked up thing, through all of this, is that a smile is still stretched across my lips, the gentle kind that comes from compassion. And I'm learning lately, that compassion for self is maybe the post important kind.