Mamba

My Mom came to visit. She left yesterday. Les Boi, Boise, the city where the sun just keeps on shining. It was so unbelievably nice to be in her presence. Yes, being fed was great. And yes, when my car decided to die as soon as she arrived it was quite convenient to rent a car. But, I could have starved and walked miles and still I would be so extremely appreciative of her presence and love.

The highlight was McCall. A three hour drive so beautiful it feels like twenty minutes. We stayed at a gorgeous lodge that looked like it should cost three times as much. We drove through the national forest. But mostly, we sat and looked at the lake, drinking tequila, and feeling like the princesses we really are. (and I beat her in pool numerous times)

The rest of the time was spent sleeping in. For the first time in months I actually remembered my dreams. And boy were they crazy! We drank coffee, ate banana bread and chocolate squares, and never left the house before eleven. We wandered, and ate, and wandered, and drank, and then ate again. We sang songs and went shopping. We cried. And laughed. And sang again.

I miss her already.

It was an adventure. One that will help me get by while simultaneously making me homesick. The purpose was to help me last until march, but after the first day I knew it would be harder than I thought. So, alone I sit once again. But now with renewed love in my heart, and chocolate squares in my tummy :)

Rocks

We spent the morning looking at some fuckin' cool rocks. Some might call them mountains and hills, but I like "Rocks." Painted Hills, it's called, not to be confused w/ Painted Rocks or Pictured Rocks, although I never can remember which is in MI.

We stared at all the colors as Martin did his best to explain the Geology, the History behind it. But it's simple really, I am hopeless. Where he sees minerals and weathering and time, changes and beauty within, I see a rough, pretty stone. There is too much I don't know and so my brain shuts off, as usual. And this is fine, because I am completely content to sit and ponder, to take in my surroundings, to smile at his passion, and take every moments fresh breath. And that is what we do all day, enjoy company, rocks, and beauty through random dirt roads that lead to nowhere, or somewhere, or everywhere.

Ranch arrival

Within an hour civilization is gone, young men pump my gas for me, and I am mystified by the surroundings. And as the four hours quickly pass I continuously witness change. The rocks grow until they are towering over me, the trees go from boise's deciduous, to rare desert shrubbery, to forests of Pines, and the occasional mountain village makes me grin at their stares of the out of placed short haired girl. I arrive two hours early. My destination: An RV on a small Ranch in central Oregon. Wow. I exit my car to Donny, a middle aged Ranch hand, who smiles continuously, chuckles warmly, invites me to a BBQ, and informs me that my host is out buying non-red meat grub.

And then time stops.

The wind continues to blow through the trees, the clouds change to a deep purple, but it is as if two hands have reached down, pushed upon my shoulders to make me sit and told me to just stop. And it felt right, God it felt so right out there. So beautiful and full of life and calm and perfect. We spent the evening sharing stories, laughs, knowledge, and tea in the RV.

Split beauty

I spent the afternoon at Kleinstuck preserve, thinking over my trip, happy, so, so, happy at the time spent in Michigan. I took in deep breaths, listened to the wind through the trees, and even hugged some just to show my appreciation. Now as I sit in this plane I am sincerely excited at my return. I don't really have much to return to, but I have plenty. I cannot even begin to express how fortunate I am and how fortunate this last year has been.

Trees.

"Man, I love the smell of Michigan." "Thanks for reminding me."

We take on the Paw Paw river one stroke at a time. Wrestling branches, going over, under, and around trees, being sucked alive by skeeters, but always with a smile on my face. I make Joey, his expertise, long, thin boat, and muscular self take the lead. I try my best and he is impressed by my giggles and consistant smile through all my struggles. This is just what I need. I look around, smell the air, and feel completely content. I wanted to see trees and water on this trip and Joey made it happen. His presence is absolutely appreciated, and I find myself wondering why this is the first time we've spent enjoying each others company. Strangely enough this entire trip has been full of that... seeing people I normally would not have.

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My emotions are in a whirl. I feel tied down, stuck, lonely. But these emotions only surface when I'm away. Overwhelmed by seeing people and then leaving, when that's all I've done for the last 7 months. Maybe the difference now is I'm no longer on the move. I'm tired and worn, full of positive energy and tears, confused and worried I've chosen the wrong path, but too tired and broke to run. Friday in a drunken state I found myself crying, wanting to go home, to Boise, that was my safe haven. So maybe it's the excitement of Michigan that confuses me. Or maybe it's wanting what is just out of reach.

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It's the wind through the trees, the smell of moisture, green everywhere surrounded by water everywhere. It's a connection to my roots that will forever be a part of me. But now I must reach my branches, share my leaves.

United beauty

She was absolutely elegant as she walked down the aisle.

The last few days have been pretty intense and very rewarding. The bachelorette party with calm sushi chatting, karaoke dancing, fire sitting drunkenness. The rehearsal day with manicured perfection, rehearsal, dinner, tears, exhaustion. And the final product. I never imagined I would take such a vital role in someones special day. It was all very intense and flew by. She shed many tears. But in the end it was all smiles. Looking back at it I am filled with emotion: at their happiness- yes. But also at the beautiful friendship that has developed over the last 25 years. To know I can be there for her and stand by her side on her special day.

It was so nice to see Mike, as always, so great to dance with him. And to see Caitlin even in her drunken state. It was great to dance and smile among strangers with a simple common understanding of the love we all shared for two beautiful people. It was fun to get ready, to help her get ready. And to walk down the aisle with the same annoying little kid I grew up with and married at 6 years old, to be arm and arm with him now in our "grown up" state, and appreciate the fact that every single one of us in that same childhood group has grown into a beautiful unique human being.

Boise Pics

Boise

Boise (pronounced boy-see, not boy-zee)

Emotions whirling, stagnance sets in. The change of being here feels good, the comfort of coming home to a home at night is appreciated, but my insides are confused at the traveling halt. I read Andrea's blog and tears stream, everything that she appreciates of her present culture is everything that I so dearly miss: the simplicity, happiness through interaction, enjoying the small things that are in fact tremendously huge. And yet I know I simply need to find it within myself.

My life here is excellent. I love my job, although there is still much to learn. My boss is absolutely wonderful, always smiling, always helpful. My roommates kick ass. And I'm slowly but surely making friends. However, I do not take enough time for myself. To sit and simply be... that is what I crave, and it is where my priority should lie.

In a few days I head home. For some reason this idea freaks me out more than I would desire. I am excited to see my family, my friends, Marg get married. But worried that I will question my move, or maybe most of all, it will reinforce the fact that I really just want to be in Mexico. However, I look forward to finally having an answer to the "so what are you doing with your life" question. And I know that I am happy here, although i still seem to be searching for my place.

Lately we've had numerous couch surfers stay with us. The beauty these interactions has brought into my life is immense. It is extraordinarily mind opening, exciting, congenial, and sometimes sad. We have so many coming through that I feel myself making lots of "temporary" friends. I know they are in no way temporary since they have touched my life and will continue to encompass it forever, but i become close with them, they leave, and I am once again reminded of my lack of close connections here in Boise.

I crave for a connection, any connection (preferably one that sticks around). To look into someones eyes and possess a basis of understanding. To be in someones presence without the need to speak, to simply be. To understand someone well enough that needs aren't discussed, they are just taken care of. Am i talking sexual? No. Although I wouldn't mind that as well. I'm talking friendship. And for now it is nice to focus on being that person for myself.

On and then on again

Well I made it home safe. But there are more adventures to come as I head to Idaho this weekend. A little different from Nicaragua...

Until then, check out my pictures from Nicaragua here:

Nicaragua

Leon

We've been in Leon since last sunday. I suppose after being robbed we just decided it was time to stop traveling. After our first night of realizing our missing pieces and being too tired to explore the city, we did end up finding a better hostel. So we've been at "Lazy Bones" since Monday, and it feels like a gated resort/community. For only $6/night we enjoy a pool, free internet, a pool table, free coffee, lovely beds, and absolutely no guests (keeps it quiet and makes us feel special when the the desk people come and tell us we have a visitor). It's very nice.

Monday and Tuesday were spent doing bullshit passport bullshit. I'll keep this short as it brings up a bit of tenseness inside of me... We spent at least 3 hours at the police department filing a police report with an officer who came up to us 3 times asking us if we wanted to file a report. What? Meanwhile, he kept returning to his air conditioned office while leaving us outside in the sweltering heat. He eventually did allow us to come in to the office to file our report, he sat in a plastic coca cola chair, as did we, and typed on a typewriter. I think I probably sat there giving him an angry annoyed stare for at least an hour. Luckily my translater was somewhat friendlier.

The rest of the week was mostly spent in the hostel, and out on the streets when we got hungry. Andrea found an awesome job and spent hours upon hours working on a rediculous application. So I basically hung out by the pool for three days. One of those days was spent having a pool volleyball competition within the hostel, they called it an invitational, but it was more a begg-atational. They pleaded enough and so we participated. We also met some sweet people
via couchsurfing and had some enjoyable nights drinking, dancing, drinking. And today we even went to see the ocean one last time. It's was salty, wavey, and lovely. Although it did come with a very hot sun, and not quite enough shade. But I am in no way complaining.

Observing Nicaragua

Nicaragua is hot!
There are lots of rocking chairs and playgrounds, therefore, I believe the appreciate the elderly and childish (that's basically everyone).
Everyone is soooo happy and friendly :)
Food: Beans and rice, bananas in any form, cheese (preferably fried), litros of beer, Quesillo, cookie sundaes, rum, fried chicken
It's absolutely beautiful and cheap.
Belly's!
Super cute and friendly kids.

Reflections

I feel so calm here. Even in shitty theft situations. The atmosphere is patient. And I appreciate the time spent with Andrea, we travel well and handle each other as well as possible. I enjoy the patience every day brings, the decisions or lack of decisions. I realize soon I will return to an environment of productivity, of rush and do and consume. Where spending the day planning what you will eat and then eating it is not normal. I also realize this lifestyle cannot go on forever, for important things will run dry: money, long lasting relationships (1 won't always be enough), mostly money. But I can look forward to returning. I can look forward to sharing my experience, the calmness which latin america is thick with. And I pine for a home. For relationships that last beyond 2 minutes or 3 days. For a throat infection cure that does not involve ass injections.

I want to take this feeling, this here and now, with me everywhere I go. I lost it last time, and I fear it will once again escape me over time. The sun helps. As does the city life.

From Ometepe to Leon

My passport was stolen. Also, my ipod, jewlery, wine key!, pesos, and my flippin Mexico and Central America map. So that really flippin sucks. We took the ferry from Isla de Ometepe back to the mainland, and after 3 buses, 1 cab, and many limping steps later we made it to a hostel in Leon. It was there that we were able to open our bags and realize our missing property. Dammit. We sullenly limped over to a nearby restaurant to grumble, cry, and give angry stares over delicious food and a litre of beer.

It's sad because it's shit like this that makes Nicaragua lose tourism. And it's shit like this that makes people lose trust in people.

Isla de Ometepe, Day 3

I woke up so soar I almost had to crawl out of my room, a perfect day for relaxation. We headed to Ojo de Agua, a cement walled, fresh(?) water pool with a rope swing. It was quite lovely. When the sun stopped being relentless and the water felt too cool for perfection we loaded into the back of Mel's truck and headed for the beach. There, we encountered a rediculous amount of knat like bugs, so intense one could hardly speak without eating them and I had to constantly cover my glass so as not to drink them. Yum.

Isla de Ometepe, Day 2

11Km, 4am, intense, awesome. We climbed the volcano, the inactive one with the crater lake. Goodness gracious we were (are) soar and it was HOTT! But still, we climbed a volcano! Muddy, steep, so very green. It took our knees and ankles and said, ¨really? You really thought you could climb 11Km up and down a huge ass volcano in Nicaragua with one and a half liters of water?¨Well, I´m soar, but damn, it was invigorating. And nothing a plate of spagetti and a banana licuado can´t fix.

Isla de Ometepe, Day 1

Leaving San Juan via collective (shared cab), 20 minutes and 2 flat tires later we find ourselves on the side of the road hoping. As the canadian with a braided tail and buzzed/bald head in the red truck slows down, we jump in and head to San Jorge for the ferry to Isla de Ometepe. Direct ride, $0! Sweet.

It takes about an hour, small and rocking. I hear Marshalls words in my head, something about how to stand, something about a horizon. I do my best and make it, wishing I had requested more details regarding Ferry rides. We arrive to the Island and have no plan, merely boarded the ferry because people said, yea, the Island´s beautiful. So we jump on a bus, and then later jump off of it, in what appears to be a strange nothing village.

In the small tourist office, big enough for 8 bikes, a map of the island, and strangely enough a subway map of NYC, a kind young man explains the many reasons why we should stay in the village, and then, oh and by the way, my dad owns a hostel, I´ll take you there. Want to climb the volcano? Oh, we have a guide! Smart family.

San Juan del Sur

We left Tola. We bid Mom and Dad a somewhat emotional farewell with promises to keep in touch. Such amazing, beautiful people. I understood very little of what they said, I suppose language barriers can do that. But it didn´t matter, their beauty shone through their smiles and generosity. Along with their daughter Kayla, they found they could communicate with me as though I was deaf, with high fives, pointing, and other motions. It was very funny and they NEVER stopped feeding us.

So we left for San Juan del Sur, a once fishing village, now a tourist surf haven and fishing village. Wierd. We don´t fit in at tourist destinations. For one, we don´t have much money, so we wander a lot, eat ice cream, and sit in internet cafes while others plan sea turtle expeditions, talk in surfer accents with their giant boards, and drink. We read outload on a breezy balcony outside of a (free! did I mention I love couch surfing?) stuffy room, and go to bed early. We spend the morning drinking coffee, watching birds, and preparing for our next adventure: Isla de Ometepe.

ouch

It seems that I am falling apart. Although painfull and anoying, not all that surprising as I seem to have this tendency. Andrea says she´s gonna have to mail me home in pieces in a box.

Another soar throat emerged yesterday, this time most likely from the dust. Today it was worse and not wanting to deal with the idea of being in even more pain I headed to the doctor. I never imagined one trip would invoke so many ass injections, I´m up to four in three weeks. He offered a week of pills or one injection, I took the injection as I wanted quick relief. His response, I found out later, was ¨It´s gonna go deep in the ass¨and ¨she won´t be able to walk for 2 days.¨It hurt so bad they had to give me two because the first one I tensed up too much for. Awesome.

In addition to this, I am still pretty soar from the bike accident yesterday. I´d give details, but due to fear, all I remember is getting on the bike, and then landing on the ground with Dad on top of me and the bike on top of him. So yea.

Heat in Tola

Kayla´s family's bday present to me is a lesson on the bike. So after the sun cools down we head to the nearby baseball/soccer field. The field is covered with high school and older boys kickin balls, hangin out, outside of the fence green surrounds, as usual, and mountains in the distance. I cannot help but feel, yet again, overcome with joy, so extremely fortunate.

Earlier in the day, in search of internet Kayla led us to a school, kids anywhere between the ages of 5-14 surrounded. We stuck out like a sore thumb, the uniforms didn't help. The internet we used was in a large room with 20 computers and 30 students. There we sat, as I read birthday emails and jealous inquiries, receiving stares, pokes, and strange comments. But these emails reminded me of the grey coldness of home. A beauty sometimes more difficult to see.

The heat today was almost suffocating. We eat and then lay down, watching tv or reading by the fan. Then we eat again. It´s really all one can do in this heat. So when the power went out and we ventured outside Dad decided it was time to teach the silly white girls how to drive a motorcycle.

Birthday: From Managua to Tola

I bring in my 25th year in Managua, Nicaragua at a ''summer party,'' an outdoor bar with a band that reminds us of the high school singing cover songs from Green Day, Offspring, etc, but with an accent so I´m a creep sounds like i´m a crepe and we we laugh into hysterics at the idea.

The actual day begins with reading by the poolside, and toast with tamarind marmalade and coffee. We head to the bus station around noon and as we sit in our express chicken bus waiting to take off we realize food would be a good idea. So we wander 20ft from our bus to a woman making enchiladas and as we wait for our change Andrea looks up to notice that our bus is departing. A quick ¨Gracias¨a money grab, and we run.

Nicaragua is green and beautiful. Everytime we get in a bus to travel to our next destination the green surrounds. Today I realize how much I will miss the bauty of latin america once I leave. It is a beauty uncomparable to any I have encountered and it lies greatly in its culture.

So we take the bus to Rivas and then a cab to our next destination, Tola. Within minutes of arriving we have met the whole family, they radiate beauty. My first interaction with them is enough to make this one of the best birthdays of my life. For the first time on this trip I seem to understand nearly everything spoken. They even blast the Nicaraguan birthday song from the house as we sit out back and drink our ice cold cocas under a canopy.

Then, we go to the ocean. Obviously. A 30 minute car ride down a bumpy dirt road, and there it is. THE OCEAN! We sit on the sand and talk. HaHa. Who am I kidding? I just lay there and try to pick up the bits and pieces of spanish I can grasp. I wade in the frigid water up to my knees and then we walk to the rocks. We climb up and watch the waves come in huge and crash, like a monster attacking the mountainous shore. I am mezmerized. The energy that pulses through the waves is spectacular and occasionally makes me jump with its power. We watch the water, and then the crabs, and then the sunset.

We return for a dinner of rice, beans, fried chicken, fried plantains, rum and O.J. But for serious, the best beans we have ever had. Whoa. Fantansia Ice cream for desert.

I can still feel the ocean pulsating through my body.

Jinotepe to Managua

Miriam's words fill my head. Everything is internal, we can change anything. Her calmness puts me at ease and her interaction with Angel fills me with joy. The whole family is beautiful and I am anxious to spend more time with their beauty, ideals, aura.

A couple of days in small towns- Masaya, Jinotepe. They are similar and uneventful. But it's the people that make the experience, that is who I learn and grow from.

We take a collectivo to Managua, the capitol, after making plans to return to Jinotepe the following weekend. It is strange here. We stay with a wonderful french couple. Giant walls, a gate, and a guard surround their property. And it feels like a palace. But Managua is strange and dirty. Random bits of modernity. The acute difference is strange and although the palace is lovely with its pool, multiple dining room tables, three course meals, I prefer the outside.

Strange beauty

It's lovely here, a little too lovely. The Monkey Hut, Laguna de Apoyo, a backpacker resort located in a crater between Granada and Masaya. Everyone speaks english and everyone is white. Are we even in Nicaragua? Tubes, Kayaks, a Canoe (without oars), on a lake with a dock to dive off of. Very pretty, very silly, $10/night. Wierd. So very beautiful. It almost feel wrong...but it's not.

The calmness the evening waves bring remind me that everything is as it should be. i cannot imagine a better place for me or a better time. Close your eyes and listen to the waves against the shore, the wind through the trees, the laugh and chatter of her stories, plans, adventures. Enjoy and be enjoyed.

Easy Breezy in Nicaragua

At 11:30pm on Saturday night we boarded a bus. Two days later we were in Nicaragua. Border crossings make me laugh. Guatemala, El Salvador, Honduras, Nicaragua. I paid a total of 10 Quetzales and 12 US Dollars, took my bag off the bus once for an immigration man to look at Andrea and I, smile, and wave us on. It is rediculous. The hardships Mexicans and Latinos go through to come into the US, meanwhile we could be carrying who the hell knows what and it's easy breezy. We prance across one border after another without a worry in the world.

So yea, we made it to Nicaragua. With the help and money of a jovial San Salvadorian we also made it into a cab, a bus, and to a backpacker hostel in Granada. We spent our first full day in this beautiful country bicycling through the street, to the lake, through the market, to a fort, and didn't even get knocked off our bikes (although we came pretty close).

The men in the streets are much worse here. In addition to their cat calls they also like suck their teeth and make other horrible noises at us. However, the architecture that covers Granada displays its age as well as its beauty. The heat the elevation brought reminded my body of its inability to handle humidity. Meanwhile, I have an interview for a job in Florida and don't know if I have the ability to breathe, let alone teach in sticky, wet, draining climate. Awesome.

GLOW

Spanish is starting to come back to me, what little of it I already know. After buying bus tickets for me and my rediculous friend a glow permeated out of me, it must have had a 50 foot radius. I feel great. Tired, but great.

Breathing in the warmth of love

Learning to love all over again. Mexico is filled with it. Not the kind that leaves you wondering what you should say or if your feelings are valid and reciprocated. Realizing it is okay to love simply because it feels right. I started reading, maybe for the first real time in my life. I found new perspective, patience, and love. So now I speak to my heart. It loves me, openly, honestly, and unconditionally.

My emotions are wild here. As inconsistant as Michigan winters. I go from glowing to melancholy in seconds. But I am learning to accept myself for all my beauty and flaws. I am an emotionally intense 24 year old, and know now that I´m stuck with me. My birthday is approaching sooner than desired. The first one in ever that I do not look forward to. Maybe it´s the lack of camp friedenswald, but more probable is the fact that it´s 25. I look back at the last 5 years and want, no beg, for it to slow down.

I´ve been here for over a week and have done little. It´s been nice. Last night we stood in our courtyard watching the entire eclipse. Magnificent. A good portion of my time has been spent resting and relaxing. My nasty case of strep throat is nearly gone, thank God for ass injections (ouch). So now we prepare to depart San Cristobal and head to Nicaragua. I realize this is the reason I ventured down here at all, but I have grown very fond of our place here. Change and I have a very strange relationship. It always treats me well, but sometimes comfort is hard to leave.

I am so glad I made the quick, slightly rediculous decision to come down here. Sometimes craziness really does come in handy.

hmmm

Well, I´m in Mexico again. It was way too easy to just leave and be here. I find myself occasionally wondering why I came, what I thought I would find. But then I look around and return into now and find myself very pleased. My body prefers to spend days basking in the sun, evenings reading, and nights sleeping. At first thought it seems to be stuck in Michigan Winter, but in reality, it just really likes these activities.

It is somewhat difficult to think about future plans here for 2 reasons: 1) Mexican culture is very slow paced (awesome), and 2) My traveling companion seems to have a new plan every hour. The latter I should be used to by now. ah well.

Not sure I ever left

I made it. The funny thing is I really didn´t have to leave the country to find sunshine. There was some in detroit! Miami was strangely cloudy, but Cancun was lovely and after two flights and a 19hr bus ride later I stumbled into Andrea´s arms and there was sunshine there (in San Cristobal) too!

Wednesday was spent resting and partying (obviously). Shortly before I arrived Andrea scored a sweet place to stay...for free. So we have a room, with a bed. The rest of the house is basically a small cement courtyard, perfect for laying in the sun to recover from a hang over (I forgot about that whole altitude thing, whoa). So, the recovering..well that was thursday. And today we went to the garden outside of the city, I spent 5 hours watering vegetables and then chowed down at the organic vegetarian restaurant. Pretty sweet.

It´s much warmer here than it was back in December, and although my spanish is worse than before, it feels good to be back. I´ve heard back from both of the places I applied at, and although it´s wierd to think about working it´s nice to be doing something while I play the waiting game.

Lost & Found

There is nothing like knowing you're going to see the person that lights up your soul to bring you out of the winter slump. So, I'm headed south. Every idea I've had since returning has sucked and this one makes sense.

There are days where I don't go outside, I don't see the sun. I sit in front of the computer thinking it will tell me what's next, it has the answers. But there are no answers. There is only right now, there is only love.

I'm tired. Of short days, of being in the way, taking up space. I'm tired of waiting. Of empty streets and gray skies. Of my parents quiet hope, wondering what I'll amount to and hoping for more.

I'm going back, but in a forward motion. I read on a job site the other day, "When you look back at your life, you will regret the things you did not do..." Right now...is everything.

Lacking direction

Confused by direction and love, my head spins uncontrollably. A mix of emotions and an inability to know what is real, what is rational. February blues hit early this year (or maybe late) and are as capricious as my knowing where I'll be 2 weeks from now, let alone tomorrow. What am I searching for or running from? I have never in my life felt such a lack of direction and such a craving to be elsewhere.

I cannot trust my heart to a soul for it may be shattered.

Yet, I am so very privileged to have this choice, this time. And as the loneliness seeps in it is multiplied by what ifs and why nots. Beautiful lonely people in a world where privilege becomes an annoyance as we are pushed and forced and pressured to do something and do it now. I am governed by love and yet know not how to share it. Craving a lifestyle in which choice is vacant and love abounds. Let me be barefoot in the kitchen and take your baggage on as my own. I speak to no one or someone or anyone and pray that one day I will be balanced enough to love someone effortlessly.

Angered at society, at everything. In a state of disbelief, this can't really be our world, my world, it just can't be. Let us live in now, in forever. So in this moment, the here and now, I surrender. Tomorrow, well who the fuck knows? Massage therapy, Northampton, hospital unit clerk, Mexico, substitute teacher, a knife to my wrist. Maybe I'll just put them all in a hat and draw one.

But the most fucked up thing, through all of this, is that a smile is still stretched across my lips, the gentle kind that comes from compassion. And I'm learning lately, that compassion for self is maybe the post important kind.

Headed elsewhere

Getting ready to head off again. No destination, just a journey. People look at me strange when I say I'll be gone between a week and forever, so I've started saying I'm moving to Boston. Caroline doesn't even live in Boston and I've never been, but according to many I belong there (?). People ask how I can afford it. And for that I suppose I'm lucky. I don't see a necessity for surplus, I can make a little go a long way, and when I need it, I'll find it. I feel like Mexico was just a training, preparing me for traveling alone, sleeping on floors, being broke, finding beauty and pleasure in simplicity. But this time it's just me. No one to tell me where I'm sleeping, what I'm eating, or what tomorrow may bring. My traveling soul mate is wondering through a city I once found forever in, with a bar in which we slept on the floor, with a school where dreamy instructors distracted me from a language I thought I'd learn.

So I wonder. How to be whole without my Andrea and how long I'll last without Raul's guacamole. One day at a time. I feel drawn all over: South, North, East (not west for awhile-I promised Misty August). Connections to everywhere, meanwhile knowing that through solitary exploring I will learn myself.

To be alone. To truly be alone is something I have yet to experience, but am interested in what will surface and excited at the vast array of endless possibilities.